everything has been status quo, lately.

i've been reminiscing and reconvening and aligning and the like.  read 92 pages of the rum diary last night and am excited to get back out into the world and cause a little trouble, stir up a little scene.

stayed up til midnight to watch april come in.  it wasn't as metaphorically symbolic and exciting as i'd hoped.

i've been stricken with this latent desire to learn as much as i can from everyone in the world.

monday night, at garretts he had me in fits over the stories he was telling documenting his experiences on the bus from state college to quakertown and vice versa,("i just strike up conversations with everyone" he shrugs "i'm that kid i don't mind, you'd be surprised at how much people really want to talk") my personal favorite involving an old western pennsylvanian farmer with dentures ("and it was the first time i'd ever witnessed someone's teeth falling out imagine how jarring that was for me, in the middle of conversation for this man's teeth to just tumble from his mouth, catch them, and put them back in!  like, christ!"), who turned to garrett, as they were passing a quarry filled with water and said,

"you know, theres probably tons of cars down there.  cars filled with bodies.  they find them, all the time.  would you ever want to do that?"

and just turned, staring back out the window.

yesterday afternoon, was an outdoor table at pickles, one of the local bars, on my way to class, with mani and a friend of hers i'd never met before.    i spoke of love with this boy dan; its amazing to me how much the mind of people, specifically boys, of this college age are concerned with love.  admittedly, i too am guilty of it, though not to the extent of my teenage years.

he seemed to try to make the point of soulmates, of true love... theres 6 billion people in the world, he argued, what if you don't find the one person?

i told him his conception was flawed, basically.  

gosh, how to consolidate one shimmering, multi-faceted idea into two dimensional words.  this is about leibniz's theory of pre-established harmony, of an expression into time of something that happens outside of it, of the individual as one, perfect, complete expression playing itself out through experience.  

its not about searching, about finding... but about being, in proximity.  and even so, theres no necessity of forever.

i lied, though, when i told him i'd never experienced something so true.  its a lie i use to prevent grief, or expel hope, both equally terrifying emotions.

this morning its raining and i've been sitting next to the window in my kitchen all day, headphones over my ears, sipping coffee (8 am) and then blackberry tea (2pm), admiring the miniature blotches of green appearing amongst the wakening brown of the landscape.

you've got that guilty smile that culminates in bedlam.