its night and its cold and yasi and I are standing out on the curb in front of her apartment complex and my heart is breaking as I watch tears of frustration, of resignation, of the old bitter yasi she and i so desperately fear welling up behind her hazel eyes and i'm employing all my strength from the months previous, tossing my lessons at her one by one in the hopes of keeping her here.
holding her hands "its been two months yasi. and sure, its lonely, and sure sometimes all you want is to cuddle, but look at me! i've been single for an entire year. i barricaded myself away in 719 and lost my ability to communicate and socialize and started sleeping with brandon of all people and wrapped myself up in those silly girls if only to abate my loneliness and i wish to god i hadn't. i took the first step with such singular bravery and i wish i had taken every requisite step that way. life is ALWAYS right and if its not here you're not ready. its time to stop sitting around, waiting for other people to hand you happiness. happines is BUILT, not hand delivered, built from blood, from sweat from tears. its begun from the very bottom, from the dirt, from the depths of the earth and polished and polished until it glimmers in the spring sunlight. and it is only when it is made of your authenticity, of sadness lived to the fullest, of anxiety examined from all angles, of despair completely submitted to, that you will realize its truth. when it is your own, it will never be taken from you again. stop going back and feeling inadequate because you can't make the past fit your present. its here, and its now, and its better than all of that. use your energy to drive forward. trust me, yasi. have i ever led you wrong?"
we interlock pinkies, kissing our hands "ok." she says, her face alighting "as long as you promise me you'll stick to your own advice."
i smile. "of course. i wouldn't dream of anything else."
i drove home, exhausted, and slightly wounded. i absorb others anxieties, after all, and had no energy for anything other than sleep, hoping the night would flush yasi's anxieties from my body, but was still fairly off kilter when the gray morning sun alit upon my face.
until.
facebook, inbox.
okay so forget how dumb i am for a second and read what happened with auggie and i last night. After having this conversation with him, i tried to make myself not cry or get upset, but then i heard your voice (creepy?nahh) telling me it was okay to cry so I let it all out and cried into my pillow for a good half hour. This morning i woke up with ugly, swollen eyes, but the good thing is that i'm glad i did. i'm glad i chose to take the emotion i was feeling and run with it. have a good day Jamie Pounds! I love youu! ♥
maybe, just maybe, i really am using all my suffering to open the eyes of others.
and this morning, it really does make it all seem worthwhile.
my routine continues. i shower, make coffee, clean up the kitchen. sweep into my bedroom and kiss piper on the beak. water my plants. prepare for the day, for cognitive psychology and french and modern philosophy. for hours spent in the library catching up on reading and watching the day brighten. for the anticipation of watching my cell phone, waiting for text messages to make me blush. for delicate wrists and soft fabric. for decompressing, allowing my roommates to bring me back to earth, if only for a brief visit. for tenderness. for vulnerability. for patience. for love.
tip of the day - read Vita Nova, by Louise Gluck
and download Losing Haringey, by the Clientele.
and deep serenity flooded through me,
such as you feel when the world can't touch you.
beyond this invisible bed, light
of late summer in the little street,
between flickering ash trees.
when the dream changed, adding, you could say,
a dimension of hope. it was
a beautiful dream, my life was small and sweet, the world
broadly visible because remote.
the dream showed me how to have it again
by being safe from it. it showed me
sleeping in my old bed, first stars
shining through bare ash trees.
i have been lifted and carried far away
into a luminous city. is this what having means,
to look down on? or is this dreaming still?
i was right, wasn't i, choosing
against the ground?
and, because this is because of you..every day.
ask her what she remembers.
i noticed nothing. i noticed
i was trembling
ask her if the fire hurts.
i remember we were together
and gradually i understood
that though neither of us ever moved
we were not together but profoundly separate.
as her if the fire hurts
you expect to live forever with your husband
in fire more durable than the world.
i suppose this wish was granted,
where we are now being both
fire and eternity.
do you regret your life?
even before i was touched, i belonged to you;
you had only to look at me.
thank you, my own savior.
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