i'm looking at pictures from that time and thinking of emptiness.

i'm holding a wine bottle in my hands, drinking the all of it. i used to drink to feel free because it was only then that i had the courage to not care about alexs restrictions and i'm remembering clambering up onto the railing of the harbor in san fransisco in the deep hush of night while alex and his friends were smoking two blunts, huddled in a circle behind me.
"girlfriend, get down, what are you doing"

the wooden railing was damp beneath my hands and i'm mesmerized by the spray of salt and sea and wind on my face and the endlessness of the bay beneath me and the endlessness of the sky above me and i leaned just a little farther just a little farther climbed a little higher just a little higher,
"baby come sit down"
will somebody stop this train?

copper beech and all i remember is this moment is brilliantly illuminated it must have been fall for it couldn't have been spring and alex and i always got so high together on incredible weed and we're in bed beneath my light teal comforter and this briliant gold sunlight is streaming in through my gold curtains and everything is shimmering and shifting and expanding as if i'm tripping and i'm gripping to his bare shoulders holding tight to his silhouette without him everything was to lose substance and soliditiy and whirl away in a hush of color motion fire destination unknown.
holding tight
holding tight
holding tight
"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom"
i dont think i'm gonna go to l.a. anymore
i dont know how to land and not race to your door.

"i'm so afraid of getting older, i'm only good at being young"
why am i even still writing about him.
in 8 days, it will have been a year, apart. 7 months since we last spoke. is that long, in the grand scheme of things?
"for there can be no absolute understanding of what we are as persons, and this in two obvious respects. a being who exists only in self-interpretation cannot be understood absolutely; and one who can only be understood against the background of distinctions of words cannot be captured by a scientific language which essentially aspires to neutrality. out personhood cannot be treated scientifically in exactly the same way we approach our organic being."

my thoughts this morning are aimless, directionless.