(a longer version, as per the request of my beauties.)

remember who you are.
(i know you're surrounded by people who have nothing, who have nothing to give.)
that feeling of loneliness, that isolation, had become too much to bear. i was trying to remain humble, by not placing myself above my friends, but i couldn't shake that feeling, i didn't trust any of their opinions more than my own, not one; and faced with a situation where i desperately needed an outsiders point of view, i was left with no choice other than to close my eyes and brace myself.
and i faltered.

after he left, i was empty and hollow, lost and overwhelmed to a point i had forgotten existed, i needed someone, anyone, and as i stood there in my barren family room.. i couldn't stay, he had found me here. he had found me here. 
i called my mom in tears
one by one my room became dismantled. every last piece. all my relics. crying. i had built this for him and now he'd found me, here. 
"can you imagine the crisis of faith" i whisper to julia and amy, as the wind picks up outside "that was my one big moment, my casting off the chains of dependancy and setting off into the unknown and i've worked so hard this past year, following my own advice and convincing myself that i was growing, that i was changing, that i was on some sort of path. and then. to wake up one morning and realize, you're right back in the same old hell." i shudder, choking feelings closing in around me. the same, old hell. "what can that even mean," i'm shaking "did i do something wrong? did i miss a step? was my huge, life affirming action completely and horrible misguided?" my voice trails off, my eyes, lost in the distance.

i'm going home. i had no idea, if this was right, i had no idea, if anything was right, at this point, but i began to take comfort in the sight of my pile of boxes and suitcases accumulating up in the hall, tucking each piece of myself within whatever bags, boxes, i can discover.
you question the choice you've made
see the gray in your hair, angel. your beauty can't be covered by insecurities. i hope the same truth would still hold true for me. because i've drowned in mine.

"we know whats going to happen," julia smiles, all limbs lounged in my porch chair "its going to be destructive, and its going to be bad. this is so heavy. i'm so sorry. i wish, i wish i could just lock your beautiful little self away somewhere until this passes..."
i sigh, "i know. in a month, though, i'm driving across the country. maybe its better, if i go with nothing."

dear life,
i know sometimes you and i get into little tiffs and i curse your name and doubt in everything that you've ever shown me. sometimes i forget that there exists, within your illimitable beauty, moments which are so open ended, where even the choices themselves aren't clearly defined and that in these moments, clarity, too can be found. 
picture, a plane, taking off. or something more beautiful than a plane, because i can't stand them, really, planes, screw metaphors lets picture a person, wrapped in the glistening flow of existence and the build up the build up the build up picking up speed picking up speed "its all in motion now" i hush to chelsea on the last day, its all in motion now and then that, moment, right at lift off.
HOW DO I STEER THIS FUCKING THING AND GODDAMNIT WHERES THE GROUND WHERES THE GROUND WHERES THE GROUND i'm so disoriented, theres no path, here, where the fuck am i going where the fuck am i 
i go through all this, before you wake up, so i can feel happier to be safe again with you

the curtain rises, act three. a portal, into a month in the middle of nowhere. a place where we're all mutants. all eviscerated, wounded, forced to live with these wicked scars, these absurdities. as the three of us wrap ourselves in warm, may evening harmony, its as if that scar comes to the surface, i can feel it, aching and raw, a scarlet letter if you will, glowing over my heart, my left shoulder. i feel safe, here, letting it show.

"she has all these personalities in her that clash," julia says, speaking of her mom "she's glamorous and flashy and then at the same time she's this warm, eccentric earth mother and then at the same time she's perched upright in her office thats so put together and beautiful you just want to sit in there and take everything in..."
something sparks in my brain "she keeps them all separate. thats how she keeps them from clashing." i'm grinning "i'm going to have to try that.. part of my problem comes in when i try to assimilate and all my selves get territorial and fight and clash they just all run together and i can't make heads or tails of it. i just need to keep them all separate..."
a place where everyone is as giving, as caring, as nuanced and receptive as i am, julia is pulling a huge bag of weed from her bag "please please smoke as much as you want" and thats the kicker, you can tell she means it, charity to me is nothing when its bequeathed with hesitance, a restriction, but shes beaming and handing everything over "i just, when i get high i love to share it with everyone, i want everyone to get high.."

a place where, once again, to reveal your inner glow is commonplace. where it feels like they're a part of it, and being a part of it, they can help you to isolate your hangups, your deceptions, your truths. where your little sister curls up on your lap, ("god i'm so jealous i wish i had a relationship like that.. theres two of them.. these two little perfect creatures."), and you can lean your tired head on her shoulder, inhaling deeply from your bong and watching the smoke trail off, into the night air. 
a place where your room smells like incense and you fall asleep with ease.

there on the street, are so many possibilities to not be alone.
home.

summertime.. and the livin's easy

everything is right, again. fucking portals, man, they always disorient me.
this could be called invisible.. cause there isn't something for us to hold...

call it women's intuition, but i think i'm onto something here.