this afternoon, walking back to my car after slipping my final paper under my professors office door, i listened to the bell chiming on old main, wondering just how many times in four years i'd heard that sound, how many moments of my life were saturated with its charm.

not but two hours ago, you would have found me in bed.  the beauty in those moments isinarticulatable.  (i know thats not a word, i dont know the appropriate one, and in all my philosophy papers i replaced it with "unable to be articulated, but you know what, here, in my blog, i'm using the damn word).  after my second bowl, i lay, buried in my pillows and blankets, headphones pressed to my ears, fresh air wafting into my cocoon through my open window, wracked with sobs, undone.  i threw myself wholeheartedly into every emotion surrounding every outcome and structure of the alex situation, tracing out each single nuance, an endeavor i've hidden from since sophomore year of high school, when he was still just that quirky kid who sat next to me in photography class.  muffling my face with a tear stained pillow, i apologized to my empty bedroom for destroying something so precious, so rare, so brilliant, cried for all this time spent without the truest companion i've ever known, ached at allowing myself a full remembrance of his texture, his hands, his skin, and just how his mere physical presence was always, without fail, enough to ease each and every one of my anxieties.  

and most importantly, i let my being shatter, thinking of the horrifying grip of addiction with which he is dealing, at this very moment.  

and when i finally lifted my head, i found clarity.  shaky, dim clarity, but clarity nonetheless.

when he calls me later, i know exactly, what i'm going to say to him.

"come to penn state.  today, tomorrow.  stay as long as you like.  yes, i think its a good idea.  i too, have missed you."

this, this is not about romance.

this is about, when you love someone, loving them, without expecting anything in return.  this is about removing your ego from the situation - of course, just as my mom advised - and letting things exist in their natural form, of seeing the other in the others terms.  i knew, this forced four day adderall consumption was necessary in order to generate the most brilliant self assurance and strength i'd yet experienced, but it was still too early to know for what.

for seeing past the bullshit, and the lies, and the misplaced insecurities, and the immaturirty.  for forgiving ourselves for being too young to deal adequately with such an intense relationship.   for approaching this situation with no intentions, no agendas, none of

 my needs, dangling, precariously from my sleeve.  for, in short,  being alexs friend.

the standard modifiers arent, alas illuminating

"steadfast" "warm" and "Feeling"

dont indicate the strength we need in dealing

with someone else's longing and regrets.

true friendship is never serene,

misunderstanding, valgaries of spleen

all the minutiae of despair

it is in spite of these one comes to share

experience, and sharing it, confirms

the other in the others terms

and not ones own (consult, as well as restriction

Patience, and Love).

3:20:49 PM silvrbullet731: yeah... well if we/ i come it's gonna be thursday afternoon until saturday afternoon

3:21:00 PM silvrbullet731: im pretty sure im comin jamie 

3:21:13 PM lacework: i'm pretty sure i'm pretty damn excited about it

3:21:13 PM silvrbullet731: so plan on it

3:21:18 PM silvrbullet731: :-)

3:21:19 PM lacework: :)

3:21:28 PM silvrbullet731: i can't wait to give you a hug

3:21:49 PM lacework: when i said i'd been thinking about seeing you, i was really just thinking abotu that hug

3:21:51 PM silvrbullet731: i think once we get that hug out we'll be alright

3:22:01 PM lacework: i couldnt have said it better myself

3:22:12 PM silvrbullet731: yeah. that initial hug is gonna be so great. 

3:22:17 PM silvrbullet731: :-)

3:22:22 PM silvrbullet731: sorry it's been a while since ive seen you

3:22:26 PM silvrbullet731: i feel good about this