my days are woven together by the crisp pages of books i've never gotten around to, and alex's familiar presence. i love watching a genuine smile curl up around his eyes when i bother him early mornings in bed, giggling in all manner of femininity and bothering him as if an obnoxious childhood friend "what are you doing what are you doinggg pay attention to me pay attention to mee" and burying my nose into his neck.

sometimes, he catches my far off gaze, resting his hand on my cheek, "hey, pretty girl. just. stop thinking for a bit, ok?" and i smile, laugh, take another sip of my coffee.

billys got a surprise send off waiting for me in state college, and i'm anxiously anticipating my departure. 8 days. there's no place i'm more true than away, alone.

"i reminded myself of the line in the diamond sutra that says "practice charity without holding in mind any conceptions of charity, for charity after all is just a word." i was very devout in those days, and was practicing my buddhist devotions almost to perfection. since then i've become a little hypocritical about my lip service and a little tired and cynical. because now i am grown so old and neutral... but then i really believed in the reality of charity and kindness and humility and zeal and neutral tranquility and wisdom and ecstasy, and i believed that i was an oldtime bhikku in modern clothes wandering the world (usually the immense triangular arc of new york to mexico city to san fransisco) in order to turn the wheel of true meaning, or dharma.."

so whats that saying again, they're only words and words can't kill me.

last night saw me stoned, chasing cynthia around my garage, while alex faded in and out of consciousness on the sofa. he was silly and genuine, as i related my tale of cynthia's drama "all of that just happened? right now?! oh my goodness i'm so sorry. are you ok? is she ok? you must have been so worried.."

lets talk about spaceships or anything except you and me ok

and i laughed in the kitchen with my sister and her friends and smoked bowls and cigarettes on the porch and let myself get carried away by a brand new episode of locked up abroad, set in nepal, yet another country on my list of places to visit, experience, delighted in alex's short sighted cynical laugh, "i have no desire to visit anywhere outside of here," he drawls, and i know he means it, and i no longer judge him for it, but instead allow myself to love him for what he is, a small town suburban boy who dreams only of a simple life in the town in which he grew up, with a girl to love and keep him company and an endless stream of music for inspiration.

burning out my center til there's nothing but dust.

really, i just feel like my brain has become fried in my spiritual pursuit and all i have the energy for is to surround myself with my roots, back building among those who have known me since the beginning. since my infancy. my ascent into consciousness. there'll be plenty of time for that in the coming weeks, but for now its an extended nap among my compatriots in the home sphere. no one asks for anything here but physical comfort and an ear for their dreams.